When writing about wrong expectations being one of the #1 causes of offense, conflict, problems, etc… I almost started laughing to myself. What my expectations are now and what they were in my previous 50 + years are unbelievable. If only we could learn this early in life.The truth is, in the beginning we both have unrealistic expectations for and of the other person. Yes, many times we do not talk about them, or even when we do we do not listen with our heads, but with our, let’s say, heart. Our emotions of what we believe are going to be like in our mind, despite what the other person said or counselor/pastor says.
I believed that when I got home from work every day the house would be clean (most of the time it was), meals cooked (most of the time they were), and sex every day and night (sometimes it was) — I’m just not going to let you know everything! My wife thought I was going to be so loving, kind, caring, and listening, and that I was going to want to hug and kiss and would care more about that than sex. I would call during the day and tell her how much I missed her (I call her almost every day) and couldn’t wait until I got home when we could talk and share. (Not sure that’s what I wanted) I loved those years but that’s not exactly what happened. The truth is the fewer expectations and the more love in action, the better. I’m not saying we should not expect what we have talked about and agreed on. I’m saying the focus should be on what we have in common, not what we disagree on. I’m not saying I did that; I’m saying we should do that.
We had lots in common or we would not have married. But, if we are not careful, the devil, the world, and the way it is will cause us to begin to focus on what we don’t agree on, instead of what we did, do, and will agree on. We will begin to focus on what we don’t have and, sometimes, what others have instead of all God has given us and all we do have.
1 John 4:18 (NKJV) “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear
because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.”
We fear and fight instead of looking for love and understanding. In the next few pages, you will get many examples and lessons on how to handle wrong expectations better, but remember the Bible is, and always will be the best counselor.
Psalm 62:5 (KJV)
“My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him.”
The only person whose expectations will never disappoint you is God. Free insight – your mate is not God, and neither are you!
Philippians 1:20 (ESV) “As it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death.”
What if our expectation and hope were to please God and release the pressure from our mate?
1 Peter 1:3-4 (NLT2) “All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. It is by his great mercy that we have been born again because God raised Jesus Christ from the dead. Now we live with great expectations, and we have a priceless inheritance—an inheritance that is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay.”
If our great expectation was the priceless inheritance we keep and get in heaven, what goes on here on earth is not nearly as important and worth fighting so much about. Remember this is not your long-range home or mate.
Wrong Expectations lead to offense, anger, and even bitterness if not dealt with. What is a wrong expectation? The difference between perception and reality:
I expected you to be home at 6:00 p.m. and you got home at 8:00 p.m.
Why did that get you so upset and offended? Because you did not communicate the difference between perception and reality. The greater the difference between the perception and reality, the greater the offense.
I expected you to be home at 6:00 p.m. and you really did not get home until 11:00 p.m.
The offense is greater because of the time between the expected time and the actual time. This is one of the major causes of all offenses in relationships. These can be relationships in marriage, with parents, or friends, or with children. Wrong Expectations are the #1 cause of all offenses in relationships. Another reason wrong expectations causes such great problems and offenses is because of lack of communication.
For Example: Years ago I was coming home early and going to surprise my wife Debbie, I perceived she was going to meet me at the door with hugs and kisses. Being so excited to see me, we would have an early dinner etc… the rest is none of your business… lol… The reality was when I walked in the house the first thing she did is ask if I would go to the store and get some MILK… MILK I thought… I slammed the door and almost spun out of the driveway, she must have thought I was crazy, because I was.
As I was driving to the store, I started thinking, “Why am I so mad?” When the truth is that I did not even tell her I was coming home, much less what I was expecting. It was my lack of communicating the truth that caused me to get offended and angry.
Danger: The real danger of being offended by wrong expectations when it is not dealt with correctly and quickly is that it can lead to a clouded view of that person. You will get angry easier at that person, and worse bitterness can creep in.
Cure: When we are offended we have to learn to be quick to repent or forgive. If we did the offending, be quick to ask that person to forgive us. If that person asked us to forgive them, be quick to forgive them. If they don’t ask, still be quick to forgive them.
Acts 24:16 (NKJV) “This being so, I myself always strive to have a conscience without offense toward God and men.” You have done all you can to ask forgiveness from those you offended or even might have offended, and have forgiven any and all that have offended you.
Psalm 119:165 (KJV)
“Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them.”
Love is not so much a duty, but a delight, it's not so much a feeling as a fact, it's a decision that leads to the right actions over and over until the feelings come. Love is the right decision put into action over and over again that will then lead to the right feelings. You can't feel your way into love, but you can act your way into love.
It's not a decision that makes a great decision...it's what you do after. Learn insights from 50 years of marriage. Through this book. I hope your marriage and relationships go from ordinary to extraordinary.
Pastor James Greer