When couples get married they ALL have myths they believe. They may not admit it but they all do. You think you will fight less, have sex more, and always speak kind words to each other, or, if you’re not being kind to each other now, you falsely believe you will start. When Debbie and I first got married I falsely believed it was o.k. for me to tell her what I liked and disliked, but when she would tell me the same thing I felt she was attacking me. The truth is she was not attacking me, she was trying to make me better. Many times, when I was preaching or teaching, I would say the most embarrassing things or read the word wrong. After church she would tell me what I did, and I would get so embarrassed. She was not trying to embarrass me, but she was trying to help me. She still does that today, but the difference today is I love it because I want to get better. Yes, at age 70 I still want to grow, learn and get better. Because when you stop growing, you start dying, at 70 you can’t take any chances! Fifty years ago, I thought loving my wife meant having sex. Boy, was that a myth! Not that we did not have sex, but she wanted me to hold her and tell her I loved her, etc.. The real truth about love is that it is more a right action repeated over a long period of time than an emotion or words. I know lots of people who say they love their mates and children but their actions don’t prove it. What we really love we give to, put before our wants, and willingly sacrifice for that when I say sacrifice I mean giving up something you love for something you love more. It is a myth to tell your mate you love them and then not be willing to sacrifice for them. Ask yourself right now what do you sacrifice for in your relationship? I’m not talking about the poor me syndrome, I’m talking about what you are glad you can.
Hebrews 12:2 (NKJV) “Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”
That is what I call sacrifice with joy! Jesus did not enjoy going to the cross and going through the pain and suffering He went through. Jesus enjoyed the results of true sacrifice. Jesus gave up the life He loved for our lives, which He loved more. The real myth in marriage is that it’s all about you or it’s all about us, while the truth is it is all about Jesus and what He did for us as a couple.
The myth is we can be happy if our mate would only do ______, while the truth is you can only be happy when you are in the right fellowship and relationship with Jesus first and then your mate. I can tell you when Debbie and I began to put the Lord first in our marriage and life changed. In fact, I don’t believe we would be where we are 50 years later if that had not happened.
Myth #1:We both expect the same things from this marriage!
I don’t believe you and your partner come into this relationship with the exact expectations. You have expectations from the other person, but only you know them; the same is true with your partner.
You will need to talk about your expectations for fun, work, sex, money, where you will spend your holidays, how much time the other person will spend with others, how much time and money you will give to the church, how much time you spend with parents, and talk about as much as possible and then some. Who will cut the grass, clean the house, pay the bills, do the shopping, etc? I Hope you are getting the idea.
Myth #2: Everything good in our relationship will get better.
Marriage means giving up a carefree lifestyle and accepting new limits. It means there will be unexpected inconveniences: The most dramatic loss you experience in a new marriage or relationship is the idealistic image you have or had of your partner: The longer and better you get to know someone, the more you see their shortcomings, faults, and sins. Stop looking to your mate to make you happy. If you are wise, you will allow them to help you become Holy because happiness does not last without growing in Holiness.
When I say holiness, I mean they can and will see things in our life that we don’t see – If we keep believing the myth that it is our mate’s responsibility to make us happy, we will become hardened and hurt constantly. But if you allow the Holy Spirit to help you see your mate as one who can help you become Holy (wholly set apart for a particular God-given purpose), Happiness will be a byproduct of the process.
Holiness means being devoted or dedicated to God, set aside for his particular use. Do you want to be set apart and uniquely used by God? Allow your mate to speak into your life in a new and exciting way.
Myth #3: Your passionate romantic feelings will last forever.
Facing the fact that your mate has weaknesses and that passionate romantic feelings of love will not last forever. Addressed correctly can help the relationship to move into a more profound, authentic, and intimate love that will last and grow. It is believed the unrealistic, passionate romantic feelings we have at the beginning of a relationship can last from 3 months up to 3 years. Do not build your relationship on the butterflies but the bedrock of your foundation in Jesus.
Myth #4: Everything bad in my life will disappear.
Many people marry believing the myth that they can marry and escape the unpleasantness they live in. Getting married cannot instantly heal past Hurts, but learning and dealing with past hurts and handling them correctly can help bring Healing!
We often bring our past hurts and hang-ups into our marriage without understanding or learning to deal with them.
Can you discuss past hurts and hang-ups you might have brought into this relationship? Many times, it is a needed approval from a parent. Many times, it is love you felt you did not get from a parent. Many times, it is a hurt from a past relationship. What is the most significant hurt or baggage you might have brought into this relationship? Talk about it! Don’t fight about it. Ask what your parents’ marriage was like. What did you like and not like about it?
Myth #5: Your spouse will make you whole.
We all come into relationships with at least two things:
A bucket with holes and believing the myth that our mate can fill the bucket without first fixing the holes. Believing that you married Mr. or Mrs. Right, Everything will be right or perfect.
We need to learn to be the right person, more than believing Mr. or Mrs. Right will make us right. Instead of looking for Mr. Right, focus on being the right person.
Depending upon the other person making you whole leads to an unhealthy relationship: Dependent partners desire happiness, not personal growth – but it won’t happen, and they will often blame the partner.
Your relationship can only be as healthy as both of you are. You cannot depend upon your mate to make you whole; only Christ can do that.
Wholeness can only be found in an interdependent relationship where each person takes personal responsibility for their growth. Everything rises and falls on our fellowship and relationship with Jesus, and you cannot do it for your partner.
Love is not so much a duty, but a delight, it's not so much a feeling as a fact, it's a decision that leads to the right actions over and over until the feelings come. Love is the right decision put into action over and over again that will then lead to the right feelings. You can't feel your way into love, but you can act your way into love.
It's not a decision that makes a great decision...it's what you do after. Learn insights from 50 years of marriage. Through this book. I hope your marriage and relationships go from ordinary to extraordinary.
Pastor James Greer