Leadership is influence. Everything rises and falls on leadership, everything.
As a church leader, I’m sure you love and care about people, but if you have been leading for more than one week, you have encountered a difficult person or two.
We all can be difficult or have a bad day, but there are chronic personalities that require intentional effort, maturity, and specific skill to lead.
As leaders, we are called to love everyone, Jesus made that clear in John 13:34-35, but that does not mean we are to consistently tolerate behavior that harms the people and mission of the church.
The 5 Most Difficult People to Lead:
The Discontent Person
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- The discontent personality always wants something more than what is; whatever it may be, it’s just never enough.
- An ungrateful or critical spirit typically characterizes the discontent person.
- Lead by helping the person to consider and adopt a different perspective.
- Start by asking them what they are content with, and insist that they articulate precisely what they want.
- Lead without promising you or anyone, can or will deliver all they want.
- The place to begin is establishing realistic expectations and a more grateful disposition.
The Negative Person
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- The negative personality appears to be unhappy by choice and is often the wet blanket to any group gathering or meeting.
- The negative person is typically characterized as one who sees only problems and not solutions.
- Lead by acknowledging the problem but focusing on the positive and insisting on moving toward solutions.
The Argumentative Person
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- The argumentative personality needs to win.
- The need to be right and win is greater than the goals of the ministry.
- The argumentative person is usually a strong personality and articulate, characterized by a very strong aggressive approach, and must win at all cost.
- Lead by establishing boundaries for a healthy and productive conversation.
- Continually keep the big picture in the forefront and agree on the end goal before starting the conversation.
- The argumentative personality needs to win.
The Duplicitous Person
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- (du.plic.i.tous) treacherous, duplicitous behavior; (of a charge or plea) containing more than one allegation.
- The duplicitous person has a political bent and can be two-faced.
- They are not loyal to relationships and maybe passive-aggressive (kind one moment and turn on you the next)
- The rarest of the five, but can also do the most damage.
- The duplicitous person is known for gossiping, changing opinions, and rarely taking a stand that does not benefit them personally.
- Don’t lead by fear or from a distance, but straight on with bold confidence and direct language.
- Don’t put them in charge of anything until you see change.
The Apathetic Person
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- Essentially, this personality just doesn’t care.
- They don’t necessarily hurt anything, but neither do they help anything.
- This person isn’t aggressive as the first four personalities but can be just as difficult because they are simply unmotivated.
- The apathetic person is characterized as pleasant but unhelpful, without an opinion, and lacking passion.
- Always love this person, as with all five personalities, but don’t invest too much time.
- Lead by letting them know you would love to see them grow and be part of something great, but they have to show some initiative.
5 Practical Steps to Lead Difficult People
Increasing our ability to lead a difficult person, not only allows you to appreciate
Assess what’s going on under the surface.
- Take a little time to dig deeper than the issue at hand to see if you can discover what might be troubling them at a heart level.
Establish a reasonable and honest conversation.
- Any reasonable conversation includes two people who are willing to listen, understand both sides, and move toward the greater good.
- This always requires personal authenticity and full honesty.
Discover what they want.
- Expectations are often at the core of someone who appears to be difficult; Ask this direct question, “What do you want?”. Liberating question because there is freedom in the answer.
- You may discover they don’t know what they want; that is not only a problematic person but a dangerous one.
- Proceed with caution until they can verbalize what they want.
Set limits and boundaries.
- The person can disagree with you, but it must be done with respect. Their tone and demeanor matter.
- Agreement on the overall mission over anyone’s agenda must be agreed upon.
- Progress is essential, you may get stuck, but moving forward both relationally and according to the purpose of the ministry is mandatory.
Lead them to adopt a different perspective.
- The purpose here is not to make someone think like you do, but to help them become healthy and a happy part of the body of Christ.
- We never want to see someone leave the church, but sometimes that’s ok.
Everything rises and falls on leadership. If you can grow your leadership it will help grow your home, job and every area of your life.