INTIMATE CONVERSATION
Intimate conversation is different from ordinary conversation. Its content focuses attention on very personal interest, problems, topics, and events. It’s intimate because you would generally not reveal such personal information to just anyone. Only those who seem to care about you and would be willing to help you think through the problems you face are worthy of intimate conversation. If you have this need, whoever meets it best may deposit so many love units that you fall in love with that person. So if it’s your need, be sure that your spouse is the one who meets it the best and most often.
Men and women don’t have too much difficulty talking to each other during courtship. That’s a time of information gathering for both partners. Both are highly motivated to discover each other’s likes and dislikes, personal background, current interest, and plans for the future. They are also willing to demonstrate their care for each other by trying to help solve problems that are raised.
But after marriage, many women find that the man who would spend hours talking to them on the telephone now seems to have lost all interest in talking to them and spends his spare time watching television or reading. Since the woman’s needs for intimate conversation was fulfilled during courtship, she expects it to be met after marriage.
If you see conversation as a practical necessity, primarily as a means to an end, you probably don’t have much of a need for it. But if you have a craving just to talk to someone about what’s going on in your life, if you pick up the telephone just because you feel like talking, if you enjoy conversation in its own right, consider intimate conversation to be one of your most important emotional needs.
This questionnaire is design to help you determine your most important emotional needs and evaluate your spouse’s effectiveness in meeting those needs. Answer all the questions as candidly as possible. Do not try to minimize any needs that you feel have been unmet. If your answers require more space, use and attach a separate sheet of paper.
Your spouse should complete a separate emotional needs questionnaire so that you can discover his or her needs and evaluate your effectiveness in meeting those needs.
When you have completed this questionnaire, go through it a second time to be certain your answers accurately reflect your feelings. Do not erase your original answers, but cross them out lightly so that your spouse can see the corrections and discuss them with you.
The final page of this questionnaire asks you to identify and rank five of the ten needs in order of their importance to you. The most important emotional needs are those that give you the most pleasure when met and frustrated you the most when unmet. Resist the temptation to identify as most important only those needs that your spouse is not presently meeting. Include all your emotional needs in your consideration of those that are most important.
Intimate Conversation. Talking about events of the day, feelings, and plans; avoiding angry or judgmental statements or dwelling on past mistakes; showing interest in your favorite topics of conversation; balancing conversations; using it to inform, investigate, and understand you; and giving you undivided attention.
- Need for intimate conversation: Indicate how much you need intimate conversation by circling the appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
|__________|__________|__________|_________|_________|__________|
I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need
for intimate conversation for intimate conversation for intimate conversation
If or when your spouse is not willing to talk with you, how do you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy
c. Neither happy nor unhappy
d. Happy not to talk
If or when your spouse talks to you, how do you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy
c. Neither happy nor unhappy
d. Unhappy to talk
Evaluation of intimate conversation with your spouse: indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s intimate conversation with you by circling the appropriate number.
-3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3
|__________|__________|__________|_________|_________|__________|
I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely
dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
My spouse talks to me as often as I need. ☐ Yes ☐ No
If your answer is no, how often would you like your spouse to talk to you?
_____ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one).
_____ (write number) hours each day/week/month (circle one).
I like the way my spouse talks to me. ☐ Yes ☐ No
If you answer is no, explain how your need for intimate conversation could be better satisfied in your marriage. ___________________________________________________________________________
HONESTY AND OPENNESS
Most of us want an honest relationship with our spouse. But some of us have a need for such a relationship because honesty and openness give us a sense of security.
To feel secure, we want accurate information about our spouse’s thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future. If a spouse does not provide honest and open communication, trust can be undermined and the feelings of security can eventually be destroyed. Then the partner can’t trust the signals that are being sent and has no foundation on which to build a solid relationship. Instead of adjusting to each other, the couple fed off balance; instead of growing together, they grow apart.
Aside from the practical considerations of honesty and openness, there are some of us who feel happy and fulfilled when our spouse reveals his or her most private thoughts to us. And we feel very frustrated when they are hidden. That reaction is evidence of an emotional need, one that can and should be met in marriage.
Honesty and openness: Revealing positive and negative feelings, events of the past, daily events and schedule, plans for the future not leaving you with a false impression; answering your questions truthfully.
- Need for honesty and openness: Indicate how much you need honesty and openness by circling the appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
|__________|__________|__________|_________|_________|__________|___________
I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need
for honesty and openness for honesty and openness for honesty and openness
If or when your spouse is not open and honest with you, how do you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy
c. Neither happy nor unhappy
d. Happy that my spouse isn’t honest and open
If or when your spouse is open and honest with you, how do you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy
c. Neither happy nor unhappy
d. Unhappy that my spouse is honest and open
Evaluation of spouse’s honesty and openness: indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s honesty and openness by circling the appropriate number.
-3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3
|__________|__________|__________|_________|_________|__________|_____________
I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely
dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
In which of the following areas of honesty and openness would you like to see improvement from your spouse? (Circle the letters that apply to you.)
a. Sharing positive and negative emotional reactions to significant aspects of life.
b. Sharing information about his/her personal history.
c. Sharing information about his/her daily activities.
d. Sharing information about his/her future schedule and plans.
If you circled any of the above, explain how your need for honesty and openness could be better satisfied in your marriage. _____________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS
For many people, physical appearance can become one of the greatest sources of love units. If you have this need, an attractive person will not only get your attention, but may distract you from whatever you’re doing. In fact that’s what may have first drawn you to your spouse – his or her physical appearance.
There are some who consider this need to be temporary and important only in the beginning of a relationship. After a couple gets to know each other better, some feel that physical attractiveness usually takes a backseat to deeper and more intimate needs. But that’s not been my experience, nor has it been the experience of many people I’ve counseled, particularly men. For many, the need for physical attractiveness continues on throughout marriage, and just seeing the spouse looking attractive deposits love units.
Among the various aspects of physical attractiveness, weight generally gets the most attention. However, choice of clothing, hairstyle, makeup, and personal hygiene also come together to make a person attractive. It can be very subjective, and you are the judge of what is attractive to you.
If the attractiveness of your spouse makes you feel great, and loss of that attractiveness would make you feel very frustrated, you should probably include this category on your list of important emotional needs.
Physical attractiveness. Keeping physically fit with diet and exercise; wearing hair, clothing, and (if female) makeup in a way that you find attractive and tasteful.
- Need for physical attractiveness: Indicate how much you need physical attractiveness by circling the appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
|__________|__________|__________|_________|_________|__________|
I have no need I have a moderate need I have a great need
for physical attractiveness for physical attractiveness for physical attractiveness
If or when your spouse is not willing to make the most of his or her physical attractiveness, how do you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy
c. Neither happy nor unhappy
d. Happy he or she does not make an effort
When your spouse makes the most of his or her physical attractiveness, how do you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy
c. Neither happy nor unhappy
d. Happy to see that he or she makes an effort
Evaluation of spouse’s attractiveness: indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s attractiveness by circling the appropriate number.
-3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3
|__________|__________|__________|_________|_________|__________|
I am extremely I am neither satisfied I am extremely
dissatisfied nor dissatisfied satisfied
In which of the following characteristics of attractiveness would you like to see improvement from your spouse? (Circle the letters that apply.)
a. Physical fitness and normal weight
b. Attractive choice of clothes
c. Attractive hairstyle
c. Good physical hygiene
e. Attractive facial makeup
f. Other __________________
If you circled any of the above, explain how your need for physical attractiveness could be better satisfied in your marriage. _________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
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